Julie Lythcott-Haims on How to Raise an Adult

“We really have to understand, embrace, and commit to the fact that our child is not us, nor are they an extension of us, nor are they our project or our pet. They are in fact a separate human being.”

— Julie Lythcott-Haims

I had such a great discussion with Julie Lythcott-Haims for this episode. This is one of those episodes that is not grief-specific, it’s for all parents, and it’s also not specific to any age group of kids. Julie is the New York Times bestselling author of “How to Raise an Adult,” and she was kind enough to come back on the show after coming on recently to talk about parenting older teens and young adults during this pandemic. This time we talk about her terrific book, and about how as freshman dean at Stanford she observed the rise in helicopter parenting and it effects in the young adults she worked with.

Some topics we talked about include:

• Julie’s analogy that kids are more like wildflowers to be tended than bonsai trees to be molded and sculpted;

• Observing in her role as dean of freshmen at Stanford that many students’ parents were involved in the day-to-day running of their lives;

• How we want our kids to emerge from childhood with agency, resilience, and compassion;

• How we need to let our kids experience mistakes and curveballs;

• “Life’s beautiful F-words” – failing, falling, floundering, and fumbling;

• The importance of chores for developing work ethic in kids;

• The four parenting types: authoritative; authoritarian; permissive-indulgent; neglectful; and

• Julie’s Four…Three…Two…One…Go! method for raising adults.

I hope you enjoy my discussion with Julie Lythcott-Haims.

Links & resources for this episode

• Julie’s website

• How to Raise an Adult, by Julie Lythcott-Haims

• Real American, by Julie Lythcott-Haims

• Julie’s TED Talk: How to raise successful kids — without over-parenting

• Four…Three…Two…One…Go! Method for raising adults

• Julie’s piece for Option B

• Episode 62: Julie Lythcott-Haims discusses parenting of older teens & young adults during pandemic

More links for listeners

• Download: Kids & Grief: What You Need to Know

• Article: I’m a Widowed Mom: Here Are My 3 Tips for COVID-19 Widows

• Book: Widowed Parents Unite: 52 Tips to Get Through the First Year, from One Widowed Parent to Another

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